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Oceans n Meocean doesn't talk, it contains; I talk, in this cyber space, and hope all remains. |
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June 20 The Joy of - Living It Truthfully - et etc...I finished Candace Bushnell's new book, 'One Fifth Avenue', and found it a pleasantly readable, and truthful book; the young, the old, and the aging relentlessly struggling in the middle; the new rich, the old rich, and the contrasting values we can all sort of relate to, pushed to extremes; without the sub-conscious murmurs in SATC book; nor explicit portraits of some typical gold-digger's unbelievable good-fortune; it is written almost as life should be, everyone has their own unreasonable desires, realistic constraint, the vulnerability to be cared for, and the urge to survive, with style.
I can actually imagine it being made into another TV series, although, it might not turnout to be a hit - as the synopsis is quite definitive, and kind of, predictable.
and then I went to another house warming party - I was deeply affected by the amount of energy I saw, and felt, in the not so big lounge - and I enjoyed it - with more house parties to come, I hope to hold one of my own, one day, in the not so faraway future.
I was shocked to see the queues for the various brands at Selfridges last Thursday, without knowing about the sale before hand. After my very brief but long-standing encounter with Miu Miu, I actually queued to see what was there, naturally disappointed, and had a momentary identify crisis, as I stood waiting amongst all the dressed up, made up, ready to flush out the money for a bag people - I am not sure I am one of them, and I am quite sure I don't want to become one of them...
Back to the reality central of the everyday nitty gritty:
It seems this summer has so far been a summer of changes - new jobs started, about to start, happening to my closest and dearest - and then comes extra pressure, extra hard work, concluded in a conversation I had, as we are a bunch of people who can not stand to waste time, or take slacks, this is the way we all are... be it in the genes, or in-built integrity.
At the same time I realized the changes within myself - no longer ecstatically looking for adventure, rather, when opportunities present itself around me, I am skeptical, I start to weigh up what I have to lose, I am no longer the fifteen year old travelling half the world on myself, oblivious about what is ahead of me...
I guess this is called growing up.
and growing up probably also means knowing more about myself, and be accepting about who I am, what I want, as well as knowing when I am afraid, weak and vulnerable.
One Fifth Avenue stroke a few familiar strings, and I am still on my way, following a mighty plan. May 28 Surprise Third Entry for MayI am still shocked about the comment I received earlier today from a colleague - am I really a geek?
It was probably a lot more shocking than the impact I expected the word could potentially have on me - in fact I never thought the word would ever land on me, a geek??
I was so stunned that I had to buy bright and colourful things to cheer myself up - the word is stuck in my head - and I can't make it go away.
It's either that my creative genes are too well covered under my ironed shirt and black tights, or they have really faded away, day in and day out squashed in the crowded train and underground, walking down the dusty road furthering away from the buzzing city.
It made me a little sad - another thing that made me a little sad - within a week! - I suppose it's safe to call it not the best week so far into the year. May 26 Thoughts at The End of May et etc...Soon enough there will be roses coming out again outside my window; there will also be fresh grapes, apples, and tomatoes dropping in the garden; this is another summer, after all the anticipation and uncertainty, I'm still here.
This process has completely worn out my earlier agitation and the violent anxiety attacks, the eventuality has almost become non-existence, ironically, as time gets closer to the actual, inevitable, eventuality. It makes me a little sad.
Or maybe it's just today, another first day back to work after a nice long bank holiday, no more summer bank holidays for this year! Yet, 2009 is not even half way through.
Recently the sense of adventure and related mini axiety attacks have crept back upto the surface of my seemingly peaceful life - I can never sit still and be happy without being busy, it seems, even though when I'm actually busy, I'm cranky and unhappy too, but that's another matter.
A university friend of mine has just had a baby - a 'mini me' sort of reality check, not that a frequent two-year-old visitor doesn't invite such a thought, but a 5 week baby... is a real reality check.
....people going off all directions, doing all sorts of things, getting very different things and feelings out of what they do, and it comes back to the same old question, what do you want, Jennifer?
And in between all the serious contemplations, my teen age years seem so far behind, like a decade in another life, and friends in parallel...
Maybe I'll think it through next week when I'm in Paris, while my young-at-heart companion set out on his first conscious and serious adventure, I'll think of mine...
There is so much ahead, one has no reason but to live to the fullest.
to Jing, this is a day to remember, and whatever happens, there's always 'congratulations' for doing growing up things, and doing them right, like grown-ups. We all learn by trying our best, every time. One day we'll laugh at the endless amount of conversations and thoughts we put into, in retrospect, such obvious things, but it's the process that counts. May 12 Spontaneity et etc...Within an hour I booked my next trip to Paris, same route, same companion, almost the same time last year... and that's, probably, just a fraction of the reflection of how much I enjoyed the grand tour.
Suddenly there's a lot to look forward to - not just another mini holiday, but the anticipation of getting away...
There is always so much attraction for getting away, the sense of untying, anonymity on the road, the sub-concious power of freedom.
Especially after this few months of hard work - the old belief of my invincibility has faded quickly into the background as I plough through the hours in the open plan office and breathing under the big word of 'budget', so I have decided to take it easy, take it one thing at a time, take a holiday, whenever I can.
And in between the two dots of work and far-away home, Angels & Demons is keeping me gripped and looking forward to the film. April 30 Coming of The Fine May Day...I am liking the pink background;
the block colours;
the clear, endless crystal blue sky when I get out of the office, after a long, long day;
the fresh breeze whenever I can have it, toasted in the early summer sun shine;
the drive, to do more than work, to know more, and the prospect, of being able to do so;
Sometimes there is no apparent reason, why I am feeling up, or down;
but I get through it, and realize I am vulnerable, and so I can become stronger;
above all, I am grateful. April 05 Sunshine at Dusk et etc...Within a blink it is April, the fool's day went amongst the protests and minor panicks, and Easter is just around the corner...
It's funny how things don't happen according to one's wishes, as I said peaceful, there came dramas, so-called redundancy reviews at work, health checkup results, and all other sorts...
I suppose things happen for a reason, to keep us on our toes, to stay alert and awake, looking around, constantly, checking, and re-checking.
which makes moments of inner peace so rare, occasions of hearty laughs so precious, good humour and pleasant companion is all one could ask for, on a sunny weekend day, or at a close circle house party.
and my failed attempt at the forget-me-nots gave such a surprise flourishing in the garden...
and with all the sense of uncertainty and slightest lack of faith, we all march on. February 02 February Snow et etc...This is an unusual time and day to write on the pad, I've been meaning to write for a long time since returning from my dutiful trip before the new year, and then January came and went in a dazzle, like every other January I have always had; and then it comes this amazing heavy snow, trapping everyone at home on a Monday, and here we are:
Christmas was quite and peaceful, with lots of lengthy and deep conversations, about now, about future, about me and my closest and dearest; seeing friends was always good, albeit too short, too infrequent, so little time to catch up, so far apart for so long, such as it is, one'd expect to get used to, but it seems increasingly significant, like an enlarging jigsaw piece missing from the picture, yet, nothing to date to change or improve, and I have to make peace with it, for now.
New year was jet-lagged, and subsequently rested. It was a different one, surrounded by a few cheerful, excited boys running around about new year firework, playing lots of mid-night wii and monopoly, it was a happy time, while I was sleepy, tired, but deep down, content. A surprise little trip to Edinburgh was lovely, a lot of deja-vu, unexpectedly good weather, and lots of love, almost as if a Valentine arrived early.
2009 came quietly, no grand style, such as the general economic climate determined its understatement, but not in a bad way, prudent, like the way most of the things I am dealing with are, is not necesarily a bad thing. So 2009 please stay this way, quiet and peaceful, steady, with a few improvement, I'm not thinking grand, but I would like positivity, and progress.
And I will make my efforts to make them happen, to fulfill all the purposes for me to be here, and be who I am. December 18 Milestone et etc....... And finally the results came, the results that I worked so hard for, and I am ever, ever so grateful.
A tremendous amount of relief, a suddenly much lighter shoulder, and a lot more expectation, naturally, at work, from myself, and from superiors, but that's progress I wanted.
And a lot more free time in the evenings - before I find my next exam to sit for, at least 2008 has a satisfying closure.
Now I need to decide amongst five books which two to take with me on the 13 hours journeys back and forth, it's a tough choice, with pleasure.
and Life goes on, colder mornings, more frosty house roofs; it's going home time again, it's family time, unwind, unload, getting ready to go, to welcome, 2009.
The horizon is expanding ahead of me, there is still so much to do, to learn and toughen up, to do well, and to be good to myself, and be grateful, anytime. October 27 Darkness before Dawn Breaks.. True Style et etc..That's exactly how I feel, right now, since two weeks ago, and most likely, will be lasting for another week, and two more days.
Jig, re-jig, tumble, and try again. This is a test of stamina and faith, a bit of intellectual input, but more of a mentality, whatever I lost, in the summer three years ago, I am setting out to claim it back, and make it better.
This is long beyond the point of no return, since I set sail en route, and tried all along, one bloc after another, there is no return, and I will have to do this once, and do it right.
There's a lot in the air, suddenly chilled, nearly frozen air, thin, but heavy; me, with what I need to claim, as mine.
Three years has been a long time, I'm glad I came so far, and the final battle is so close, almost now.
Counting down, yet another time, more steadily.
Count down. September 13 Saturday Blues et etc...A ray of sunshine in the garden, a glimpse of hope after the exhausting four hour exam, somehow, I can do it, and I will do it.
Things change, people don't; things change because people can't keep it still, but afterall, people don't change, the innate competitiveness deep inside us, the little spikey prickly bit of pride, snobbishness; some hide it well, others may not, but they're all there, and never go away.
It's hard to be an all rounder, well mannered, grounded, and considerate all the time - sometimes I wish I could be the rude one too and spill it all on others - but maybe not, maybe I shouldn't, like Confucious says, 己所不欲，勿施於人.
It matters more that I go through my exams, the hard, drilling exams, pass, and survive.
and then I can start wondering about all the possibilities awaiting, all the possible new ways to spend my time, to appreciate what is real, more important, to me. |
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